What is wrong with me?
Have you ever had the feeling that something is wrong with you? Where everyone else seems to have their shit together and yet no matter what you try, you don’t. Well, that was me a few years ago.
At the time I felt completely overwhelmed with life. Like in every aspect of my life I was on the edge of a cliff teetering and about to fall. A normal day went a bit like this:
Wake up riddled with anxiety and not wanting to get out of bed. Fighting back tears and feeling my husband just wanted me to get a grip (my thoughts not his).
End up shouting at the kids for not getting ready quick enough and generally making the start to their day shit as well.
Drive to work still fighting tears (& not always winning, especially on Mondays). Put on a happy face for the day to mask how I was feeling and hoping that something stressful didn’t happen which could break the illusion that I had it all together.
Try not to eat anything unhealthy (as I was trying so hard to lose weight), but then come lunchtime I needed something to make me happy and the sad salad I’d bought with me to work wasn’t going to cheer me up. So yep, more failure!
Then came the negative self talk as yet again I was unable to stick to my salad for lunch. I was pathetic, I couldn’t even stick to that for one day. I deserved to feel crap etc etc.
I was constantly in fear of making a mistake at work, even though I’d never ‘failed’ and had always had people tell me how good I was at my job.
I’d get home from work and end up sitting on the sofa scrolling through my phone mindlessly on social media looking for something to cheer me up, but ending up feeling more miserable as everything I saw was just confirmation that everyone else was happy and achieving things in life. More confirmation that I was failing.
My husband most nights ended up sorting out dinner as I wasn’t feeling great or was simply exhausted - yet more evidence I was failing.
After dinner we’d walk the dog and then I’d sit in front of the TV, whilst still looking through social media. Before going to bed with a sense of dread of having to get up and do it all again tomorrow.
I was exercising a lot during this time. Up to five times a week but not seeing any results which just served to frustrate me further. Yes, when I exercised I felt better for a while but I soon found myself back in the self destructive loop that I can now see.
My first cry for help
I got to a point when I was convinced there was something medically wrong me. It surely couldn’t be normal to be so emotional all the time, to be exercising a lot and generally eating well (with some binges here and there - which I normally ‘forgot’) and actually put on weight. To be constantly exhausted. So I went to my GP.
The GP was very understanding and decided to send me for some blood tests, which you guessed, all came back ‘normal’ (I’ve since learnt a lot about results in the ‘normal’ range and that actually there are so many answers in these results which are being overlooked). I was basically told there was nothing wrong me.
That just made me feel so much worse.
Light at the end of the tunnel